#TFZ- all caps (Guest blog by Zoë Ngombane)

The Friend Zone
noun

a metaphorical place that two people are in when there is no possibility of romance between them.

Nah, there’s no chance. We’re in the friend zone.

verb – transitive

to inform or show another person that they’re such a good friend that there is no possibility of romance.

She friend zoned me.

I have seen, for years now, a lot of this word on the World Wide Web and it always expresses one thing, a complaint from those in this supposed friend zone. Some are funny and some are actually really sad, much like the friend zone itself. Here’s a blow-by-blow of how I think this thing works in the victims’ minds:

 

1. The beginning. Welcome to the friend zone.

The person – the evil user, tells you everything, including stories about other people of your sex. Gives you bear hugs ONLY. Goes on and on about how you’re the nicest person in the world and sometimes maybe throws in, just to torture you, that you’d be perfect for a certain friend. Calls you over when in need of a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on, then sends you on your way afterwards because alone time is needed to just sit and think, but thanks for being such a great person. Guess what? Yes, you guessed it. Welcome to the friend zone.

2. It’s a cold dark room. Brace yourself.

Yep. It’s like limbo and you aren’t even dead – although it’s arguable in this situation that you are a poor lost soul. Everything becomes related to it; it’s all you think about. It finds you at the movies, in class, while you’re listening to music… “Next up, we give you Michael Jackson in his suave hit, You Rock My Friend Zone”. That bad.

 

3. Keep telling yourself its better than nothing.

You have options. There are always options. You could choose to stay in the friend zone, wait it out or concede defeat. Eek. You could tell yourself that having her as a friend is better than nothing. But be warned, the friend zone is not for the faint hearted. In two words, pain and awkwardness. You’re bound to slip up. You’ll be fooled into answering when she says something stupid like “Oh, I wish there were more nice guys like you…” with a “But, I’m a nice guy like me…”. AWKWARD. Does the friend zone have any perks? Yeah, sure, absolutely. If you have no intention of indulging in sexual intercourse with that person. Ever. What do you think this is? You know each other too well now, genius. Weaknesses, sensitivities, seen each other at your worst… there’s no way you can date now, buddy. That’s not how those heartbreakingly heart-warming things we call relationships start. That is how they end. 

 

4. Girls get friend zoned too

 

It happens a lot actually. Women have BEEN in the friend zone. It’s more indirect for us, more of a late reaction. We get into the friend zone and realise two years down the line that, ‘Wait I don’t belong here!’. And then we’re doomed because we’re strong enough to carry the burden of friend to lover. Especially given the fact that we can’t explicitly express our eagerness to leave the zone. We’re stuck with coy hints like, “Oh wow, that was nice. We should have dinner out more. Maybe just the two of us next time.” Instead of bold statements like, “Oh wow, this was cool. The two of us should have dinner out more. Or in, it doesn’t matter. Then proceed to make babies, minus the actual babies,” while using your sexy power stare. This is because we know that with the latter you might end up in the pain and awkwardness zone. The former is as forward as it is safe to go. 

 

5. And the sad part. You can’t just snap your fingers and be rid of the ‘friend zone’.

 

Buckle up. You might be stuck here for a while. Or be the clever jackal and remove yourself from the situation. People that friend zone other people are somewhat serial sadists, and having a person at their beck and call just feeds their god complex. You can’t drive an hour to go take someone ice-cream, come on. You’ve already been compromised, soldier. Abort. Leave. It maybe just work in your favour. Or not. You might just lose someone that might have really been an awesome friend for years to come to the greed of your carnal cravings. Because people aren’t just things you can put kindness/niceguy coins in and get a shag in return. See? You’re stuck.

6. Or you probably put yourself there so, only you can take you out.

 

I have one thing to say about this… You know the friend zone exists. You know what gets you in there. If you know what’s good for you and you feel uncomfortable about being platonic friends with the opposite sex, keep your distance.

That said, the friend zone – whether in reality or in your head – can never be defeated. It was there before you were born, it will be there long after you’re dead so happy friend zoning boys and girls.
If you’re trying to get friendly with Zoë here is where you can find her: Thefunimalscribe.wordpress.com

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