Vodka and Distances


“Long distance relationships don’t work, especially when you are in Scotland, surrounded by gingers.”

-Deone van Riet (

Now, I personally do not abide the unnecessary prejudice against gingers; most gingers are hot- okay some gingers are hot. Okay, seriously, there are hot gingers out there, but that’s not the point. Long distance relationships are some of the most difficult things to be part of, and usually end in complete and utter misery for the participants, which in turn is utter misery for us because they won’t stop whining. It’s like, “God! Get over it already! We are tired of hearing you complain: “I miss my boyfriend.” “I wish I could cuddle him right now.” Oh, and the classic, “I haven’t had sex in (insert an unreasonable number of months).” (In addition, the typist adds, “I am hoping for an earthquake or really any vibration”).

Now, I personally have taken part in such misery inducing situations. Much to my later regret and through expressly effective emotional blackmail I stayed that that was a bad decision for me and for her, because I was doing that thing that all guys do when they want to break up. I stopped being a good boyfriend, and prayed to God that she would break up with me (the typist says “amen”).

How do women (place emphasis on the fact that I didn’t say “you women”) get into relationships, start seeing them head toward the super apocalyptic ending, and stick around in hopes of fixing it? That’s the naval equivalent of the whole crew staying on the ship, despite it being three quarters under the water, and hoping that if they try to bail water out of it fast enough, they will make it to their destination. You might as well take a mass suicide pact, because rather than just the captain going down with his ship (by the way, there is a romantic movie playing in the background) you are all going to die!

imageIn addition, guys, when we have had enough, we should probably start saying something, I mean this is like us sitting in a restaurant that serves terrible food, has terrible service and ordering second and third helpings! Either send the food back to the manager; tell him how terrible you think the food is, and that you refuse to pay the bill. After all of that, throw a huge tantrum at the centre of the restaurant, jump up and down and wave your arms frantically like a lunatic, screaming, “This service is unacceptable,” putting emphasis on weird words in the sentence.

Anyway, back to the topic, we need to ban friends from complaining about long distance relationships, if you’re in it, you had better be in it to make it work. It needs dedication. Serious dedication. Like really. Serious. It should be like going out for drinks, no matter how many you have, you don’t complain until you are hungover the next morning. So, your relationship in this case is the uncontrollable alcoholism that seems to have possessed you… and the hangover- the heartbreak afterwards… see what I did there? Because, we all know that after heartbreak, alcoholism is usually what people indulge in, “Vodka for the pain…” And, I am, in no way, advocating alcoholism, but drinking is fun… and as I say that, the protagonist in the movie Kotches all over the host after having too many beers in quick succession. I am talking PROJECTILE VOMIT.


The long and short of it is that not all of us are built to drink (extended metaphor but also very true).


3 thoughts on “Vodka and Distances

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s